I Think I Peed A Little

It’s hot & I’m super tired from cleaning. We’ve been doing some more work on our house and it’s just beating me down. Nothing like saying “I’m gonna go clean the bedroom… just as soon as I find the shovel and get the wheelbarrow in the house.”

So I’m gonna be lazy today and just give ya’ll a video to watch.  I’ve mentioned before my love for Craig Ferguson. But last night…. oh man…. last night he had the absolute most hilarious interview ever. This was even better than the one with Denis Leary.  I laughed so hard that I had to find the video today so that I could watch it again. I missed 1/2 of it because I was laughing too loudly to hear. And I think I may’ve peed a little.

So hear it is…  Sandra Bullock & Craig Ferguson and the funniest thing I’ve seen on TV in the longest time!!

Sharing Is Caring

Share #1 - I took Luigi for his blood test this morning. They just called back with the results. 30,000 last week. 43,000 today. WooT WooT — I’m so happy!!

Share #2 - A link to the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time. This blog post set me off laughing and earned me quite a few puzzled looks from the family. What’s Your Last Name from The (After) Life of the Party (Formerly known as Life In The L O)

Share #3 - A story for you. One much like the one you hopefully just read. Harmony’s story is much funnier that mine. So if you choose to read only one, go read hers.  =D

On the way back from a baby shower, my mom, grandma, aunt and I stopped at a rest area. We’d been in the car for 2 hours and were all ready to stretch our legs.

We all headed into the bathroom to do our thang… The stalls were all full and the 4 of us had to wait our turns. One by one, we all went in and came out. All but my aunt who was taking forever.

Grandma left and went to walk around outside while Mom & I washed our hands and waited on the slow poke. Grandma came in a couple minutes later and was quite irritated at having to wait so long. She proceeded to yell out to my aunt, “Good grief!!!!  What crawled up your butt and died?!?  Hurry up!  We’re all waiting on you. I hope you didn’t die in there. OMG what a smell!!! … We’ll be in the car waiting.”

The three of us headed out to the car and… guess who was outside sittin’ on the curb smoking a ciggarette? No really… guess.

Bahahaaa…….  I miss my grandma. She was a riot!!!

Sometimes It’s Worth The Wait

Yesterday, I was at Walmart. Yes, again!!! Sometimes I feel like I live there. Anyways… I got done with all of my shopping and made my way to the deli for some roast beef, ham & colby jack cheese.

While I was waiting for someone to help me, a little old lady pushed her cart up beside me. This woman had to be almost 100. She was so feeble that she could barely push her cart.

She waited there beside me. And waited… And waited…

After about 5 minutes of patiently waiting, I could see the woman starting to get as frustrated as I was. I looked at her, rolled my eyes in disgust and said “This is ridiculous.”

We waited another few minutes and then, in the sweetest little old lady voice that I’ve ever heard, she said to me “You know…. this is bullshit…”

You got that right sista!!!!

And now… for your viewing pleasure… a picture of me, Princess, Tab & Luigi from about 3 years ago.

Walmart To The Rescue

Yesterday, I mentioned going to to Walmart after the dentist. My face was still all numb and I was try to avoid eye contact with anyone.

There are always a lot of people at our local Walmart, but yesterday, there were twice as many as usual. Some genius decided that they’d take every 7th and 8th grader in the state on a field trip.

It must’ve been a home economics class or something. Each group of kids had a list of items and they roamed around the store looking at products and comparing prices & weights and ounces.

More than once I heard kids say “I can’t believe how much food costs!” I even heard one rather snooty looking girl say “Omigosh!! I can’t believe my mom pays that much for this. I’m never going to ask for it again.”

The funniest part was when I decided to be my normal helpful self and offer some advice to the girls who were comparing spaghetti sauces on the eye level shelves. Yes, the $3 and $4 jars.

Anyone who does grocery shopping on a budget knows that you always look at the bottom shelf first. That’s where they put the “cheap” brands. IMO, these are usually the better tasting brands, too. Instead of cheaping out on taste & ingredients, they cheap out on packaging. Fine.By.Me!!

So, there I am. Me and my half frozen, slobbering on myself face, trying to offer these young ladies some assistance. “Ah-ways ook down ear on-uh om sewf” *wipes her chin*

“Excuse me??”

So… instead of trying all of that again, I simply pointed with my foot to the cans of sauce on the bottom shelf. 95 cents baby! That’s right. 95 cents.

“Much teaper d.d.d.d.down heeeeere”

“Oh yeah. I remember my mom always said that you gotta look by the floor to save money. Thank you”

“You Melcuh” *wipes her chin*

Anatomy of a Meltdown

A tantrum is like a snowflake. Every one is different and both can change your day’s plans, leaving you to question why you made plans in the first place.

However, I have been studying the inner workings of tantrums and believe I have identified about 95% of them correctly. (This result has a 95% margin of error.)

Please note: neither the subject nor the researcher were harmed during the course of this experiment. Safety goggles were utilized.

The hot flash: As soon as you tell her “no” to a request, spoken, grunted or pointed, she takes a face plant or a back dive to the floor without warning, trying to make contact with something on the way down so her cries of pain and frustration will increase to an almost banshee level.

To read our Post of the Week in its entirety, please visit Sprite’s Keeper — Home of The Spin Cycle.

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You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til it Almost Gets Chopped Off by Flying Wood

PigHunter has this “cabinet” that he’s been working on for his “tools” in the garage. He’s been building this “cabinet” for about a year. I have come to believe this is something he does to get out of having to do any kind of housework (”I can’t help with the laundry because I’m building my cabinet! For my tools! So I have room to do things in the garage, like, build imaginary cabinets!”)

I used to get pissed off about his stupid cabinet. Especially when he’d be like “I’m going to plant grass this weekend!” And hours would go by and grass wasn’t planted because he’d wasted hours in the garage “cutting wood” for his “cabinet.” But, I’ve come to accept the “cabinet” for what it really is.

His escape.

I have the computer. He has “the cabinet.” We’re even.

Last Friday night, he was in the garage working on “the cabinet” for most of the night. Just before 8, I heard him walk into the house. He walked into the kitchen and stood there. He looked a little pale, so I was all “You okay?” And he was all “yeah, I’m fine.”

So I dropped it.

Later that night, we were sitting on the couch and he turns to me and says “Honey, please don’t freak out. But…”

Read the rest of our Post of the Week at Joy Unexpected
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Cynical Dad

History books will be recalled so that this amazing day in history may be added to our children’s curriculum.  Students will put on programs at school, dressed in their cute little costumes with too much rouge on their cheeks so as to be noticed from the back row.  Employers will close down their businesses and their employees will shout from the rooftops that this is indeed, the greatest and most important holiday of the year.  Mark your calendars.  Plan to spend the day with your friends and family.  Rejoice and sing for the time is upon us.  Tuesday marks our first annual Cynical Dad Day.

Who is this Cynical Dad of whom I speak, you ask?  Well, Cynical Dad is Chag.  He is the stay at home father of two children & he’s the author and owner of Cynical Dad.com.  Chag is the host, DJ, commentator, operator,  Twitter-er, producer and mastermind behind Chag’s Nameless Twitter Radio Show.  He is a friend, a confidant, a …. okay, now I’m just getting carried away.

Let’s just put it this way.  He’s a blogger and one of my favorites.  In honor of his “thirty-ninth birthday and the start of his final year of blogging (because no one’s allowed to blog once they reach 40, right?), February 10th” shall henceforth be known as Cynical Dad Day.

What better time to honor a great author than during the week of his birthday and his self-proclaimed holiday?  So I present to you, our fine readers, Cynical Dad. A blog created by Chag because “the world needed another look-what-my-cute-kid-did-today web site.”

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It’s A Schmitty Life

Certain words jump out at me when I’m checking out blogrolls. According to my list of subscriptions, the words booger, fart & snot are great attention grabbers. I also enjoy nonsensical words, puns and creative plays on words. When I saw the blog title “It’s A Schmitty Life“, I couldn’t help but be amused and intrigued.

I clicked over to the blog and was instantly hooked on the author’s story telling and writing skills. It didn’t take long for Mrs. Schmitty to become one of my favorite blog authors. In the past two weeks alone, she has made me laugh more than once. They were honest to goodness, full on, gut busting laughs that seemed to make all of my cares disappear.

Like many others, I enjoy a blogger who has a sense of humor about life and the “schmitty” things that happen to them on a daily basis. We appreciate those who are willing to give us a peak into their lives and make us understand that our worlds are not that far apart.

In my opinion, what makes a good author is their ability to keep me coming back for more. Mrs. Schmitty definitely meets that requirement.  This is why It’s A Schmitty Life has been chosen as our Site of the Week.

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Mush Mouth

From Heather at Riding The Short Bus

Diaper changes are a great time to do inspections for new teeth, since you get a fairly good angle at the upper gum area and you can take a visual inventory without shoving your fingers into a protesting little mouth. So when Claire flipped her head back for a squeeeee, I leaned forward to see if I could get a peek at any new teeth that might have appeared during the last few days without me.

Only what I saw, stopped my heart. Cold.

Omigod, omigod, omigodomigodomigodomigod……………….

I tried not to look, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it. It was horrible.

Read the entire post at Riding The Short Bus
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If You’re Nuts, You’re Squirrel Bait

Do you ever find yourself reading a post and thinking “That’s just wrong.  Wrong and borderline crazy.”?  Is your next thought somewhere along the lines of “My thirst for insane comedy has not been quenched and I hope he writes more stories like this soon”?  I hope you answered yes to those questions because that’s what I’m handing you for our Post of the Week.

Like last week, you lucky readers are getting a trilogy. The story comes from the creative mind of cIII at the Goat and Tater. It revolves around two ambitious squirrels.  And let me tell you, Alvin, Simon & Theodore aint got nothin’ on these two little foul mouthed critters.

These three posts are just a small look into cIII’s “silly” side.  He often writes posts that are far deeper in meaning.  He really is a magnificent author and you can expect to see more of cIII here at Text Imps.  But don’t wait around for us to feature him again.  Go ahead and subscribe to his feed so you don’t miss out.

Part 1 - Panic amongst Wet Leaves
Part 2 - The Saga Continues
Part 3 - Representation

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