I Think I Peed A Little

It’s hot & I’m super tired from cleaning. We’ve been doing some more work on our house and it’s just beating me down. Nothing like saying “I’m gonna go clean the bedroom… just as soon as I find the shovel and get the wheelbarrow in the house.”

So I’m gonna be lazy today and just give ya’ll a video to watch.  I’ve mentioned before my love for Craig Ferguson. But last night…. oh man…. last night he had the absolute most hilarious interview ever. This was even better than the one with Denis Leary.  I laughed so hard that I had to find the video today so that I could watch it again. I missed 1/2 of it because I was laughing too loudly to hear. And I think I may’ve peed a little.

So hear it is…  Sandra Bullock & Craig Ferguson and the funniest thing I’ve seen on TV in the longest time!!

Sharing Is Caring

Share #1 - I took Luigi for his blood test this morning. They just called back with the results. 30,000 last week. 43,000 today. WooT WooT — I’m so happy!!

Share #2 - A link to the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time. This blog post set me off laughing and earned me quite a few puzzled looks from the family. What’s Your Last Name from The (After) Life of the Party (Formerly known as Life In The L O)

Share #3 - A story for you. One much like the one you hopefully just read. Harmony’s story is much funnier that mine. So if you choose to read only one, go read hers.  =D

On the way back from a baby shower, my mom, grandma, aunt and I stopped at a rest area. We’d been in the car for 2 hours and were all ready to stretch our legs.

We all headed into the bathroom to do our thang… The stalls were all full and the 4 of us had to wait our turns. One by one, we all went in and came out. All but my aunt who was taking forever.

Grandma left and went to walk around outside while Mom & I washed our hands and waited on the slow poke. Grandma came in a couple minutes later and was quite irritated at having to wait so long. She proceeded to yell out to my aunt, “Good grief!!!!  What crawled up your butt and died?!?  Hurry up!  We’re all waiting on you. I hope you didn’t die in there. OMG what a smell!!! … We’ll be in the car waiting.”

The three of us headed out to the car and… guess who was outside sittin’ on the curb smoking a ciggarette? No really… guess.

Bahahaaa…….  I miss my grandma. She was a riot!!!

Sometimes It’s Worth The Wait

Yesterday, I was at Walmart. Yes, again!!! Sometimes I feel like I live there. Anyways… I got done with all of my shopping and made my way to the deli for some roast beef, ham & colby jack cheese.

While I was waiting for someone to help me, a little old lady pushed her cart up beside me. This woman had to be almost 100. She was so feeble that she could barely push her cart.

She waited there beside me. And waited… And waited…

After about 5 minutes of patiently waiting, I could see the woman starting to get as frustrated as I was. I looked at her, rolled my eyes in disgust and said “This is ridiculous.”

We waited another few minutes and then, in the sweetest little old lady voice that I’ve ever heard, she said to me “You know…. this is bullshit…”

You got that right sista!!!!

And now… for your viewing pleasure… a picture of me, Princess, Tab & Luigi from about 3 years ago.

New Comment Thing - Again

ETA — Let’s try this again — Something went wrong with the js-kit install…..

ETA — ehh…….. screw it ……….. LOL

– Post Deleted cuz I got irritated but I’m saving the comments cuz you guys are hilarious –

=D

Walmart To The Rescue

Yesterday, I mentioned going to to Walmart after the dentist. My face was still all numb and I was try to avoid eye contact with anyone.

There are always a lot of people at our local Walmart, but yesterday, there were twice as many as usual. Some genius decided that they’d take every 7th and 8th grader in the state on a field trip.

It must’ve been a home economics class or something. Each group of kids had a list of items and they roamed around the store looking at products and comparing prices & weights and ounces.

More than once I heard kids say “I can’t believe how much food costs!” I even heard one rather snooty looking girl say “Omigosh!! I can’t believe my mom pays that much for this. I’m never going to ask for it again.”

The funniest part was when I decided to be my normal helpful self and offer some advice to the girls who were comparing spaghetti sauces on the eye level shelves. Yes, the $3 and $4 jars.

Anyone who does grocery shopping on a budget knows that you always look at the bottom shelf first. That’s where they put the “cheap” brands. IMO, these are usually the better tasting brands, too. Instead of cheaping out on taste & ingredients, they cheap out on packaging. Fine.By.Me!!

So, there I am. Me and my half frozen, slobbering on myself face, trying to offer these young ladies some assistance. “Ah-ways ook down ear on-uh om sewf” *wipes her chin*

“Excuse me??”

So… instead of trying all of that again, I simply pointed with my foot to the cans of sauce on the bottom shelf. 95 cents baby! That’s right. 95 cents.

“Much teaper d.d.d.d.down heeeeere”

“Oh yeah. I remember my mom always said that you gotta look by the floor to save money. Thank you”

“You Melcuh” *wipes her chin*

Novocaine For The Soul

I learned a couple of things this past Thursday. First of all, my body doesn’t react to novocaine like a normal person’s body would. *breaks out into song* Novocaine…. for the soul…. before I sputter out.

The dentist gave me one round of shots which included about 5 different insertions of the needle. He left me there to drool on myself and came back about 5 minutes later. “Is it numb?” “Eh… kinda.” “Open… can you feel this?” “No…” “How bout th…” “Ahhh!!!” “Okay, let me numb you up a little more.”

2 or 3 shots and 5 minutes later and we went through the whole thing again.

3rd time’s the charm right? Nope…. it aint…

4 times? How about 4 times? nooooop.

The fifth time, he was apparently done screwing around. He got out a 20 foot long needle, jammed it into the back of my mouth and out of instinct, my right leg flew up through the air and almost kicked him in the head.

This one did the trick. I was suddenly numb from my shoulder to the top of my head. My bottom lip was laying in my lap, my tongue was hanging out like a dog in the hot sun and my nose had swollen to 10 times its size. Or at least…that’s what my face felt like.

While he was gone, doing whatever it is that dentists do while they’re gone, my body started shaking violently. The doctor came back in and told me that the shakes I was feeling were due to the numbing agents. I told him “oh I us ought I us cold” and then I wiped my mouth.

He pulled the tooth and led me out to the receptionist where I paid my bill and tried to sign my name. That was almost an impossible task because I was shaking so hard. When I tried to give my debit card to the woman, I looked like a 2 year old playing keep away. “You can’t have it. Try to get it. You can’t catch it.” LOL Then, signing my name?? Ha!!!

Went out to my car and it took me a good 2 minutes to get the key into the lock. Another minute to get the key into the ignition. I drove about 5 miles to Wally World and by the time I got there. I had stopped shaking. It might’ve had something to do with the fact that I set the heater to 90 degrees. But I’m not sure.

Here’s where I should explain that I’m normally a decently happy person. If you and I make eye contact, I’m 99% guaranteed to smile at you. Having a smile on my face just makes me feel better. Well… with half of my face numb, I wasn’t doing a whole lot of smiling. I was actually trying to avoid it because, well, I looked like a freak. LOL

At one point, there was a woman coming towards me with a cart. We were doing the shopping cart dance where we’d each go to the same side and then turn back to the other side trying to avoid each other. This would usually cause me to laugh, and I was laughing, only it was just on the inside.

What the woman saw was some ticked off looking freak of a woman, barrelling at her with a shopping cart, obviously ready for a good game of shopping cart chicken. I could see the look on her face change from being a little giggly to “I will not be defeated!!!!!”

I pulled my cart over to the side and let her pass me. She pushed her cart by as though she’d just won the gold medal in the House Wife Olympics.

Tomorrow…. Walmart Field Trips For Rich Kids

But for now… please enjoy Novocaine For The Soul by Eels.

My First Giveaway

UPDATE — Contest Over –
My random generator thingy says that Petra is winner #1 and Samsmama is winner #2.
Email your addies to textimps [at] gmail [dot] com and tell me whatcha want. Petra gets first choice so, Samsmama, if you pick the same thing as Petra, I’ll write back and have you pick something else.
———–

Yay! WooHoo!! A Giveaway!!! Now… Don’t get too excited. I’m not giving away a car or a trip to Maui or anything like that. Actually, your “cost” to join is a better reward than my prizes. But, I’m totally doing this anyways.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of hoops to make ya’ll jump through before you could enter to win my magnificent prizes. And then, this morning, something awesome happened. My favorite pig… yes, I have a favorite. Don’t you?… My favorite pig posted a new video on YouTube.

So, when I saw that he’d posted a new video, I ran (errr clicked) as quickly as I could to go watch the new video. In the middle of my hysterical laughter, a lightbulb went off. I’ll make ya’ll watch the new video!! What could be easier? What could be more entertaining?? Absolutely nothing!

I totally love Putnam Pig. I found him about a month ago. He’s 100% kid friendly & that’s very hard to find on the net. My kids love him so much that every time he posts a new video, I have to download it and put it on their mp4 players. And, even though I’m a grown woman (shut it) he makes me laugh so hard that I have to pause his videos and wipe the tears from my face before I can continue watching. I.love.that.pig!!!!

When my son started his blog, he told me to put Putnam’s website in his links. Within hours, Putnam stopped by and left a comment. I thought that was completely awesome! Then, somehow or another, he found ME and left a comment here, too. I felt like a celebrity had stopped by. LOL

Then, I found out he does the whole twitter thing, too! Oh my gosh!! He tweets at me!! Don’t be jealous!!!

Ok… I’m rambling now. Sorry, but, I love that pig I tell ya!!!

The video is an entry for a contest. Everyone’s suppose to lip sync to the song Toxic by A Static Lullaby. (Yes, a remake of whats-her-face’s song) And the winner is like TOTALLY gonna become famous. I want Putnam to win because I think he’s awesome! The more publicity the better! Everyone who has a kid & a computer should know about him & I want to try and do my part to make sure that happens.

So….. the prizes…..

I bought some neat calendars for myself the other day. Then I decided that maybe ya’ll would like them as much as I did. So… I went back and bought more to give away. You can click on the pictures to see a bigger picture with more detail. Except for the planner, they’re all 16-month calendars.

First up is the Maxine calendar. This chick cracks me up! I hope I’m as cool as her when I hit her age.

Next we have a Happy Bunny calendar. The bunnies are hilarious & this is one of my favorites.
Anita totally speaks to my inner woman. Click on the picture and read the front of the calendar and you’ll see what I mean.
Last but not least is the coolest of my finds. This is a family planner. It comes with a magnetic “thingy” so you can hang it on your fridge. You can “track” up to 5 people & it has more than 300 stickers. Woohooo!!!! STICKERS!!!
I’m gonna keep the contest open until midnight on March 7th. On that night, I will do the random number generator thing and I’ll pick 2 winners. Each winner will get to pick 1 of the calendars. (First number picked gets to go first)

I’m going to give you lots of ways to enter. But FIRST!!! you have to go watch Putnam’s video.

1 Entry - Leave a comment for Putnam on the video & rate it. (don’t mention me or he’ll totally think I’m stalking him.) Come back and comment here to let me know you’re done.

1 Entry - Watch more of his videos and tell me something you find funny about another video.

1 Entry Per Tweet - Tweet this giveaway no more than once every 12 hours. Leave a comment after each tweet.

2 Entries - Blog about this giveaway and/or how awesomely awesome Putnam is. Come back and leave 2 comments.

I think that’s it. LOL Now…. go watch the video & prepare to laugh your butt off!

**UPDATE** Okay - Something is wonky @ youtube. So, as long as you PROMISE you at least WATCHED the video (and tried to rate it) you can leave comments here to be entered in the giveaway. We’re going on the honor system here, people. I trust ya. *smiles*

Vaginal What??

Did you ever feel like you were completely alone in this big world? For the past week, that’s how I felt. Right up until 2 nights ago when comments started flooding in from the most wonderful people!! You guys are just so awesome! I’ll never find the right words to explain how much your comments mean to me. So I will just say… Thank You!!!

Now… seriously… we gotta move on to something else. Cuz those posts weren’t me. Well, they were me. They just weren’t the normal, happy, clumsy, goofy goober, Chris that ya’ll know. Yes, I said goofy goober. And…??

So, check this out. I just got back from Wally World. While there, I saw an older woman on one of those go-cart thingies. She looked quite confused and I could tell she was trying to find something but was having no luck.

Being the kind, sweet person that I am (shut it) I asked if I could help her find something.

“Yes honey. Thank you. I’m looking for vaginal…”

My brain took over and interrupted the sound entering my ears. “All personnel please report to Giggle Control. All personnel to Giggle Control. This is not a test. I repeat… This is not a test.”

“I’m sorry. What was that?”
“Vaginal irrigation products. I asked another young lady but she said she’d never heard of such a thing.”

Now, at this point, being a farm girl, I’m picturing this ol’ lady sitting out in the middle of an irrigation ditch. I was also wondering if she was fighting off the urge to scratch herself.

I remembered that I’d seen some coochie cleaner over by the family planning stuff. So I moved over to that particular aisle and told her I had found it. I assumed she’d turn her little motorized cart around and come pick some out. Instead, she stayed at the end of the aisle and asked me to get one for her. Ugh….

So I look and of course there’s not just 1 brand. There are 4 or 5 brands plus the store brand. This is not a decision I should be making for another woman. Especially since it’s not a product I’ve ever purchased for myself.

So I informed her that there were quite a few choices and again, hoped she would drive down the aisle and make her selection on her own. She named off a brand and I went to grab for a box.

Then… I realized that now there was a choice of 1, 2 or 4 bottles per box. Ugh…. So I asked her which count she wanted. She said “Get the one with the most bottles.”

“All personnel please report to Giggle Control!!!!”

She probably just wanted to save money by buying more than one bottle or maybe she just wanted to avoid this entire ordeal for a few more months… but in MY head I’m imagining flies swarming this woman’s crotch as she swats at them and asks for the BIG box!

So I go to grab the BIG box and I see that there are different uhm….. okay flavors is TOTALLY the wrong word. Uhm….. Different fragrances. Yes, that’s it. Fragrances.

At this point, I just grabbed one. I wasn’t about to ask the woman if she wanted to smell like vinegar, tulips, roses or vanilla.

Vanilla… lmao…. vanilla goes good with yeast, doesn’t it?? Bahahaaa

In closing, I should probably point out that yes, I know douche isn’t just for “nasty” people. It’s more like preventive maintenance so you don’t BECOME one of the nasty. But… I’m a 10 year old boy trapped in a 30 year old woman’s body. I have issues… Lea-me-alone

Pictures And Stuff

You know what I call this? A crying shame!!

Do you see it? Right there? In front of the dog?

Right there!!! The brown thing!! Yes!! That’s chocolate!! On the floor!!!

Someone wasted a perfectly good piece of chocolate and I am NOT happy about it.

And if you look closely, you can see that the rest of the chocolate is already gone from the heart-shaped box. *sigh* Such a tragedy.

LOL - Someone was apparently running around half naked during this picture. I just spotted a pair of pants, too.

I can’t wait for the dog’s molting too be done! The house is covered in hair. If you think the rug looks bad, you oughtta see my black bed spread. It’s gray now, from all of the hair.

And this picture? This one is a true testimate to a few of my many skills. That’s right. Skills I say.

First, we have the skill of being able to serve meals for days without the need for the dishes that are piled in the sink.

And, if you don’t count being able to stack 12 plastic bowls, 3 glass bowls, 3 saucers, 8 glass plates and 1 plastic plate in a single dish drainer as a skill… well… then I suggest you show me what passes for talent ’round these here parts.

And when you’re done with that, head over to Text Imps. I finally got the Post of the Week and Site of the Week added a couple of hours ago. Sorry about the delay.

Oh.. AND…. There’s a new post up at Christian’s Kingdom, too. He had his stuff ready for posting over a week ago and I … well… I kept forgetting to post it for him. I finally found a program to make his recordings quieter. I thought his last recording was going to make my ears bleed!!!! So I HAD TO find a way to fix that.

Make sure you come back tomorrow. I think I’ve come up with a new blogging game (or maybe you call it a carnival) that ya’ll might like.

Well look at me. I’m just little Ms. Bossy today aren’t I? Visit this, visit that, come back tomorrow.

Why are you still here??? Move It Mister!!!!!!!!

It’s Coming To Get You AGAIN!!!!

This week’s Spin Cycle is all about laughter. What makes you laugh so hard that you end up with Coke On YOUR Keyboard? For my Spin I’m going to repost an entry from just a few days ago.

For those of you who’ve already seen this entry, skip down to the stars at the bottom because I’ve added more info.

For those who haven’t seen it.. I hope you enjoy. =D

Last Monday, I took a trip to the gas station (18 miles round trip) and got Coke & bread. Guess what I drove. Yeah… The hearse… *shivers* I kept doddling and seriously just didn’t want to drive that thing. As I got ready to leave, I told The Ol’ Man “I’ll be back soon… if the zombies don’t eat me.” His response?? “It’s not the zombies you have to worry about. It’s the creepy black shadows that jump around in the back.” GUH!!!!!!! Ass!! Like I SERIOUSLY needed to hear that!!

I went out and checked to make sure I could open the gas cap. Didn’t feel the need to drive 9 miles and figure out I was too stupid to operate it…. or unlock it. Then I peeked into the back to make sure there were no zombies, cats, homeless people or monsters in there. Unlocked the door and got in. At this point I’m totally surprised to see that my brother has removed the window that once separated the driver from the boogieman casket. Crap…

Then I had a nice little conversation with myself about how stupid I was being.

Self, you’re being stupid. Don’t be a sissy about this. It’s not like they carried souls in the car.
What is that smell?
I mean, by the time the hearse got the body, it was nothing more than skin & bones. There weren’t even organs left. Right?
Seriously - What the hell is that smell?
I mean… the ambulance always picked up the body to take it to the morgue… right? Or a coroner’s car maybe. Hell, a minivan came and got Grandma.
How bad would that suck? If one of my last rides is in a minivan, I will come back and haunt everyone that had anything to do with it. Oh man. What if someone else had to ride in a minivan? I bet that ticked them off. What if….
They don’t use the hearse for this sort of stuff. Only for transferring from the funeral home to the cemetery.
If someone comments to set me straight on this lie I’ve convinced myself of.. so help me….
Okay, just turn around, start it up and go. Oh, check that out. This dash is just like the Caddy I drove in high school. That’s cool.
What was that? Is there someone behind me?
Cool. It even does the self leveling thing. Holy crap it’s cold. Where’s the heater. Does this thing even have a heater?
You don’t want a heater in a hearse dumbass. Hot dead bodies stink.
Oh, there’s the heater buttons. I forgot they hide them in these Cadillacs.
Oh man, is that what that smell is? Did someone put the heater on too hot? Is that dead body stench? Maybe it’s formaldehyde.
Aww yes. Heat. I thought they said it was suppose to be warm today. Lyin’ asses. Alright, let’s see if I can pull this thing out of here without hitting anything or getting stuck in the mud.

Holy crap someone needs to bleed these brakes.
Bleed… bleeding… blood. I wonder if blood ever spilled out into the back of the car. No. No blood. Just skin & bones. Skin.and.bones!
Why is this jerk on my ass? He’s gonna end up slamming into me and killing us both.
How ironic would it be to die in a hearse.
Yeah… just keep starin’ asswod. Yes I’m a girl. Yes I’m driving a hearse. Pass me and get it over with.
OMG What if he sees something behind me. Maybe I can’t see it because the reflection won’t show up in the mirror. You can’t see vampires in mirrors right?
Is this speedometer wrong? Why is everyone passing me? I’m going 62. That’s well over the speed limit. Okay. This guy’s staring at me, too. What is wrong with these people?
OMG What was that!?? I saw something. There’s something behind me. Oh…. that was my head in the mirror.
Let’s just adjust this mirror here… Why is there even a mirror in this thing? It’s not like you can see out the back with all these curtains.
Maybe it’s so you can see them when they reach out to grab your head and suck your brains out through your ear.
Go idiot! You have the right of way. See, when you get to the 4-way stop before me, you go first. Frickin’ morons! I swear!!

OMG it’s cold out here. I knew I was gonna be pumping gas. I should’ve worn gloves.
*peek into back of car* No boogie man. *go in and pay* *peek into car* No boogie man.
Go idiot!! Come on! People in this town shouldn’t be allowed to have licenses.

Wow! Is that a coyote? That looks a lot like my dog. I always thought she was probably part coyote but now that I see that one running….
OMG What was that? Ok. I definitely saw something that time. I am not driving this stupid thing again.
I really do think she must be part coyote.

*walk through the front door*
Ol Man - “So, how was it? Were you all freaked out?”
Me - “I was fine. I was only kidding about being spooked. Ya know, if it had room for more than 3 people to ride in it, I’d actually think about keeping it. But, since it doesn’t, I guess we have to get rid of it. That kinda bums me out.”

LmAo — SHuT Up!

********

So last night… Hubby gets home late and I’m too tired to cook dinner and I suggest we order a pizza. We live out in the middle of no where and pizza places don’t deliver this far out in the boonies. This meant that I’d have to go get the pizza myself.

Fast forward to 25 minutes later… I’m in the car. And it’s dark. Very dark. I look into my rear view mirror and I KID YOU NOT!!! There was a shadow behind me. And not one of my imaginary shadows!!!

I didn’t just glance at this shadow. No, I studied it. Because this time, I knew it was ACTUALLY there. It was there! And it was behind me! And I was petrified.

So I’m sittin’ there 100% freaked out. Staring at this shadow that’s behind me on the door and I start contemplating my escape route.

Dead serious… I start thinking about bailing out of this car at 60 mile an hour!! Had my 8 year old not been riding shot gun, I may have actually jumped.

But then… the shadow was gone!!!
OMG Where did it go? Did it move closer? Is it right behind me now? I’m dead. I’m gonna die. This thing is gonna reach out and grab hold of me.

Pictures of Eleanor from The Haunting start flashing through my mind and I’m waiting for my hair to start moving. And then… the shadow was back. It was back. And in the same spot. No doubt about it, this was not a figment of my overactive imagination.

All of a sudden, something made my leg itch. Not wanting to lose sight of the shadow and allow it to sneak up on me while I wasn’t looking, I carefully stared in my rear view mirror as I leaned down to scratch my leg. As I bent down I noticed that the shadow moved, too. This of course scared the crap out of me and I sat straight back up in my seat. And again… the shadow moved. This time growing taller.

With a very puzzled look on my face, I pushed the fear aside, leaned down again and watched the shadow move with me. I sat up… and so did the shadow.

It was at this moment that I realized that I am, in fact, afraid of my own shadow.

So let this be a lesson to you. You should never consider jumping out of a moving car because you believe there are ghostly spirits hitching a ride. It’s just a really bad idea!

Now head over to The Daily Wit and share a bad idea.

And don’t forget to have your Spin finished & submitted by February 20th.

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